My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Randomize
