i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
