Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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