my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Randomize
