Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I'd cum for enchiladas.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Randomize
