He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
