I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
