do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Randomize
