lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Randomize
