Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Randomize
