Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
He better not be in your backpack
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
