Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
