If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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