one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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