Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
