watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
