I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
