I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
