drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
