Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
