so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
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