I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
