I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
MIDGETS
????
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Randomize
