hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Randomize
