Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
