Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Randomize
