Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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