No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
