I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
