at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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