just tell him i said nine months
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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