please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
