I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
