some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Randomize
