My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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