He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
babies were throwing up all over the place
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Randomize
