theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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