eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
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