So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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