The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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