I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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