If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
