And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
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