she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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