this just has baby written all over it
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Randomize
