If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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