Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize