I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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