Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
Four minutes until I can fart!
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
