hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
