Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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