Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Randomize
