Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Drunk is not a location!
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Randomize
