Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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