i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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