the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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