The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
