i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
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