I like to think it a success when the cops are called
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize