I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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