You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
