You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
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