I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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