Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
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