Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
